Full Circle
by labyrinthine
Summary: *Updated with part 6* The return of full circle...kind of. Sydney considers dips in the road.
1. Snow

Title: Full Circle: Snow  
  
Author: labyrinthine  
  
E-mail: elabyrinthine@yahoo.com  
  
Rating/Classification: PG/vignette, ongoing series, Sydney POV  
  
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me.  
  
Summary: You must travel full circle to find the truth…a vacation allows Sydney the chance to contemplate a normal life.  
  
Notes: First installment in a series of Sydney POV scenes. It's all about artistic license: this follows the storyline up until Quentin makes his big debut, at which time canon gets shot out the window. Massive non-alcoholic margarita toasts (ha!) to Hillary, for all the usual reasons and more. :)  
  
"The world is full of places. Why is it that I am here?" -Wendell Berry  
  
*****  
  
Sydney was looking forward to snow. She hated the cold, but a blanket of snow could make any landscape seem attractive. There was something appealing about covering up undesirable situations with pristine white.  
  
"So when are you leaving again?"  
  
Sydney shook off her reverie and turned from the kitchen window to face Francie. "Tomorrow, 7am. The cab comes at 5; I'll try not to wake you."  
  
"And this trip's to…Maine?"  
  
"Vermont." Or Moscow, depending on whom was asking. "The bank's trying to establish a presence on the east coast. I'll be schmoozing with CEO's and be taken out for nice expensive dinners."  
  
"Right. And why the hell are they sending you across the country when you have finals next week? Do they want you to flunk out?"  
  
Sydney offered a half-smile. "I've already cleared it with my professors. Besides, this should be my last trip for a little while."  
  
"And how many times have I heard that one? The amount of trips you take is insane."  
  
"I'm serious - I already told my boss I was taking advantage of all my unused vacation time before it disappeared at the end of the year." Or something along those lines, Sydney thought. She was actually pretty satisfied with herself, approaching Sloane at the end of her latest briefing. He looked suspicious when she first mentioned her intention of time off from active duty, but managed to convince him by demonstrating that a vacation was imperative for keeping her cover. Ever since SD-6 was convinced she wasn't a mole, she had been sent on oversees missions with increasing frequency, and it was getting more and more difficult to evade Francie and Will's inquiries about the trips, let alone pass her classes. Plus, she was half-afraid Francie would apply for an unlisted number while she was gone to avoid the Joey's Pizza calls, though that part certainly didn't make it into her appeal to Sloane. She had walked out SD-6 with him convinced that three weeks off wouldn't make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things, and that her cover would be all the more secure during the absence.  
  
France broke out in a grin. "About time!"  
  
"About time for what?" Will appeared in the doorway. "Dinner? Because I'm starving."  
  
"Damn!" Sydney flew across the room to the oven, where she gingerly extracted a brown and slightly crispy bird. "I forgot all about the chicken…it's going to be dry." She looked around for a baster before realizing there wasn't one in the house. "*This* is why I don't cook. The oven should, like, turn itself off when the chicken is done. That's my opinion."  
  
Will appraised the chicken as he reached above to open a cabinet and bring down plates. "Looks great to me, Syd. If this was dinner at my place it'd be take-out extraordinaire like usual. I don't think I've bought an uncooked chicken in my life."  
  
"That doesn't surprise me in the least. Charlie, on the other hand, can cook up a storm." Francie's eyes all but glazed over. "He made the best lasagna the other night…"  
  
"He's rehearsing?" Sydney queried.  
  
"Yeah. I offer to go with him but he gets all defensive, like he absolutely can't concentrate with someone else in the room or something."  
  
"Hey, I can understand that, I wouldn't want people around me either if I was practicing," Will offered from the next room, in the middle of setting the table.  
  
"But that's because you have no voice, Will." Francie retorted. "Unlike you, Charlie has talent. And he's nervous, they've got this gig coming up that's supposed to be a big deal, he wants us all there for that. Hey!" She turned to face her friend. "So you'll actually be around then, is what you're saying."  
  
Sydney smiled. "I'll be here, for sure. Leave tomorrow, get back in three days, deal with finals, and then I'm on my own for a few weeks."  
  
"Wait, you're actually taking a vacation?" Will all but beamed. "This calls for the good wine."  
  
*****  
  
A vacation. She honestly hadn't considered the absence she had asked for as a vacation until now. It was…a business decision, a move to alleviate suspicions more than anything else. A chance to convince the rest of the world that she lived a normal life. But a vacation…she hadn't even considered what she would do with the time off. She put so much effort into pretending her life was ordinary; she wasn't sure she even knew how to be normal anymore.  
  
"Look, I don't know what your problem is, but we don't sell pizza, alright?" Francie slammed down the receiver. "I mean, really, we need to do something about this, Syd. Do we look like a pizzeria?"  
  
"Yeah, I know. I'll get it taken care of."  
  
"We should sic Will on it. He lives for these little mystery hunts."  
  
Sydney rolled her shoulders. "Somehow I don't think we want Will messing with our phone lines."  
  
Francie paused for maybe a second. "Good point."  
  
"Don't worry about it, I'll call the company or something when I get back." Or rather, she'd go straight to the source and figure out a new way for the CIA to get in contact with her. Though recently the calls were growing on her; they provided a nice bit of continuity in her otherwise disjointed life.  
  
"So, what do you want to do?"  
  
"…mmm?" Sydney put down the pile of clothes she was sorting through on the bed and looked at her friend.  
  
"This little vacation of yours. Though, of course, I won't believe it until I actually see you slouching around here in pajamas in the middle of the day like you used to do on the weekends."  
  
"Francie, I haven't done that in years-"  
  
"Because you're never around to. And now you will be."  
  
"To slouch around in pajamas." She shot Francie a dubious glance.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Right." Sydney reassessed the pile of clothes on the bed. "Damn, I can't find my gloves."  
  
"Oh, for Vermont? Here, let me get mine-"  
  
"No, it's fine." She stood up. "There are a couple other little things I should pick up too. It'll only take a minute."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
Sydney reached over the pile for her jacket and keys, and wondered when she had become so adept at lying to her friend. "Yep. Be back in a few."  
  
*****  
  
Driving, she found herself unable to recall the last time she had more than five minutes to herself. Before Danny, sure, but…she hadn't felt in total control of her life since his death. And it still shook her up every time she thought of her life with him preceding his death as "Before Danny," as if his murder was the defining point of his life. She was almost afraid to have the time to think; she had purposefully put off processing the turns her life had taken recently, and didn't think the exhumed version would be very appealing.  
  
As she turned into the parking lot, she saw Vaughn through the diner window, sipping coffee and eyeing his watch. She knew she was late for the meeting, but if she just ran out of the house the minute she received a call, one of her friends would eventually catch on. For once, this didn't bother her. They hadn't spoken since their last meeting in the warehouse, when she had so brazenly declared her intentions to leave SD-6. She still wanted out; god, she wanted out so badly. But at least she had regained enough sense to realize it would take a little more than just asking Sloane's permission.  
  
Sydney threw the car in park and allowed herself the chance to really look at Vaughn for a minute. The symbolism of viewing him through a pane of glass - look, but you can't touch - was not lost on her. The barrier was protective as well; she knew he would manage some way to bring up her previous comments, and she honestly had no idea what she would say in response. Her ease in lying to her friends never carried over to him - he always managed to draw the truth out of her. She wondered what her friends would think of him, or if she'd even recognize him outside of their job. She didn't even know if he owned any clothes outside of the perpetual suit he always wore, that he was wearing now, pegging him out of place in the scaled-back diner. It frightened her at times, to realize that she so frequently put her life in the hands of a man who barely knew her outside of the job.  
  
Will knew everything about her, except for what she kept secret. This whole double-agent persona that she so desperately wanted to stop, this was her secret. Vaughn was her secret. And Sydney had always hated secrets.  
  
Stepping out of the car, she walked briskly to the front door of the diner, her step belying the leaden feeling weighing her down. Reaching for the door, she wished for a blizzard to bury her secrets in snow.  
  
*****  
  
Full Circle: Snow  
  
elabyrinthine@yahoo.com 


	2. Glass

Title: Full Circle: Glass  
  
Author: labyrinthine  
  
Summary: You must travel full circle to find the truth…Vaughn confronts Sydney about her decision.  
  
Notes: second in a series, this proceeds Full Circle: Snow. This radioactive angst segment goes out to Hil, of course; after all those DA chapters it's finally MY turn to thank you after each section, better get used to it.  
  
"And so stay, we two, tensely balanced,  
  
Somewhere between despair and despair,  
  
Perhaps this is our only solution."  
  
-M.A. Mohanraj  
  
*****  
  
The unassuming heavy door groaned in protest as Sydney entered the 24-hour diner. The sound reverberated in the still night air, and she found the noise almost offensive. Careful not to make her strides too purposeful, she sat down on a converted bar stool at the counter, leaving one seat empty on her left between her and Vaughn. She idly picked up a nearby laminated menu and let her gaze run freely over the words.  
  
"You're late. I was concerned." He spoke quietly, under his voice, though the din of the surprisingly busy diner made his volume less of an issue.  
  
"Yeah, well, I can't just disappear every time I get a call. It's not like I'm sitting around all day waiting to hear from you." She didn't mean to make that sound as hostile as it did, Sydney thought. She didn't. It just sort of…came across that way.  
  
Vaughn bristled next to her; she could literally feel the tension in waves. "You leave in the morning."  
  
Right to business, she deduced. "Moscow. Flight leaves at 7." But he already knew that.  
  
He shifted on the stool. "The information you're retrieving for SD-6 doesn't really concern us. We've already established contacts there; we just need you to be…observant."  
  
Sydney was interrupted by the counter waitress hovering above, asking for her order. The distraction was welcome - she needed another second to process Vaughn's words anyway.  
  
"So basically, I'm not doing anything."  
  
Vaughn looked past her, out the far window. "I didn't say that. The documents you're obtaining in Moscow aren't critical to the CIA. It's not worth the risk to have you put yourself on the line over something we don't need. We're just looking for you to pick up on anything you notice as unusual or worth investigating while you're there, to keep your eyes open in case we ever need to go back."  
  
Sydney said nothing. She glanced disdainfully at the excuse for coffee presented before her. Taking a sip of the bitter liquid, she wondered how she managed to concoct such an abnormal life. She could feel Vaughn's eyes on her, and still she did not match his gaze.  
  
"It's still important, Sydney."  
  
Creamer. Maybe she could salvage the coffee after all. She reached to her left for the jar but found her fingers intercepted by a solid wall. Her eyes rose up to see Vaughn all but pinning her hand down with his own against the counter.  
  
"What are you doing?" It came out like a hiss, as her eyes darted across the diner to see if anyone had noticed his aberrant behavior.  
  
"I could ask the same of you." His voice had remained low throughout their conversation, but suddenly embraced a more accusatory tone. "You're not even listening to what I have to say about this mission."  
  
"I heard what you said."  
  
"No. I don't think you've heard me at all." Her hand remained immobile underneath the force of his hold. She raised her head to look at him at last, and the intensity of his gaze floored her. She wasn't prepared for…for that much emotion, certainly not from him and certainly not about this. Realizing the futility of fighting him, she gave up straining to release her hand.  
  
"What's your problem anyway?" Did she really say that?  
  
Vaughn jerked his hand off of hers; his whole body seemed to compact. Like a spring about to explode. Incredulous. "I, do not have the problem. YOU, are the one with the problem. Talking with Sloane to leave SD-6? I thought we discussed the sheer impossibility of that stunt already."  
  
Sydney reached for her jacket and extracted her wallet to leave the tip. "Look. I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. And even if I did, this is not the time and place to bring this up, you should know that. And I certainly didn't come here tonight for a lecture. You told me what you need me to do in Moscow - are we finished?" Under her breath; two could play at that game.  
  
"Devlin told me you're walking."  
  
She turned to face him, oblivious to anyone watching them interact. "Is that what this is all about? My vacation?"  
  
"I can't believe you were that stupid-"  
  
Anger. She was seeing red, those damn retinal scan tinted red glasses all over again. "Who are you to judge what I do? I made a call. Taking a few weeks off won't jeopardize my position within SD-6, and it'll do wonders for my cover."  
  
Vaughn still looked like a cat about to pounce. "You don't know that. You'll be exposed-"  
  
"Fuck you. Did you ever ONCE stop and think that maybe I needed this?" He recoiled slightly at her words, though Sydney was too furious to give notice. "How dare you talk about being 'exposed', like you have the first idea of what it feels like to be me. You can tell your girlfriend you work for the CIA without giving her a death sentence. You can retire in thirty years with a nice severance package and live the rest of your life in peace. I, on the other hand, as you've so forcefully reminded me, will never be able to quit. I will never be rid of this life, will never be honestly truthful about what I do with anyone I care about. Long after you're gone and moved to other things, I will still be here with no way out. You've made it abundantly clear that I'm not going anywhere. How dare you chastise me for taking an opportunity to live my own life for three weeks? You have no right."  
  
She turned away, spent. The anger that had welled inside her, now released, left her feeling empty and incomplete. She had never meant to say that; it needed to be said, but she was too drained to even consider listening to Vaughn address it. The din of their surroundings had vanished, or maybe she just couldn't hear it over the ringing of her ears.  
  
"Sydney…"  
  
No. Recalcitrant emotion was not what she needed, not from him. Sydney gathered her things and stood, one hand on the stool to balance herself upright. She could feel his eyes on her, but didn't trust herself to look in his direction. She glanced through the window to her car, still sitting in the lot, and recalled watching him as she first drove to the diner. This is what it feels like on the other side of the glass, she thought.  
  
*****  
  
Full Circle: Glass  
  
elabyrinthine@yahoo.com 


	3. Crystal Lattice

Title: Full Circle: Crystal Lattice  
  
Author: labyrinthine  
  
E-mail: elabyrinthine@yahoo.com  
  
Summary: You must travel full circle to find the truth…Sydney attempts to collect herself before meeting with Vaughn.  
  
Notes: Third in a series, sequel to Full Circle: Glass. Big thanks to Hil for the socially inept life lessons, I don't know how I'd make it through a day without them. And to Ash, for the constructive criticism. :-)  
  
"Some people never go crazy. What horrible lives they must lead." -Barfly  
  
*****  
  
30,000 feet above sea level. Sydney looked out the airplane window at the cloud cover beneath her, and idly considered the cooler ambient temperature surrounding the plane. Ironic, that she was so much closer to the sun's rays but still couldn't feel their effect. No wonder she couldn't stop shivering.  
  
She had felt numb since her meeting with Vaughn. Like she had laid herself bare before him, and kept nothing of herself. She was relieved it had been a routine and uninvolved mission - she couldn't seem to advance her mind past their last conversation, a permanent instant reply with highlights of a moment she never anticipated taking place.  
  
"Sydney."  
  
She shifted over, to see Dixon looking at her expectantly. And over his shoulder, to the dejected flight attendant with a cumbersome beverage cart. Drink order.  
  
"Just water, please." Coffee would warm her up, but she hadn't been able to keep the stuff down since the diner. After a moment she realized her tray was still upright - she released its clasp and almost immediately a plastic cup of ice was thrust upon her with a half-pint of bottled water. She unscrewed the cap off the water and poured it into the cup, fascinated at the sparkling clarity of the liquid she poured.  
  
"Are you feeling alright?"  
  
Sydney turned her attention back to her partner. Was it just her, or was it overbright in the airplane cabin? They were sitting in an artificial cocoon, a completely regulated environment. She was suddenly, irrationally afraid her mere presence would throw the system out of balance.  
  
"Of course - I'm fine."  
  
"You've seemed distracted."  
  
Distracted was an understatement; Dixon was being kind. She could barely recollect the time just spent in Moscow - all she recalled was how difficult it was to remember to speak in Russian. Dixon had done the work, really, she had just tagged along for appearances. She was damn lucky it was only a reconnaissance trip, and they were done and on their way home.  
  
"I've just had a lot on my mind." Understatement was becoming the word of the day.  
  
Dixon eased back into his seat. He looked…relieved, almost, with a slight smile on his face. "Planning your vacation already, then?"  
  
She was too drained to even formulate a response. Did SD-6 not offer vacation days or something? "I…"  
  
"No, I think it's a great idea. You deserve the time off, after all the great work you've been doing." He flashed her a smile. "We all appreciate the time you put in - Sloane told me himself how much of an asset you've been to the group."  
  
Sydney was actually afraid she would go into shock. She couldn't believe she was hearing this from Dixon. "How…when did you speak with Sloane?"  
  
"Just before we left - he informed me that I'd be paired with Jack during your absence." So THAT'S how Vaughn found out, she thought. Her father would have known from Sloane, and probably made a beeline straight to Devlin's office. The whole 'taking time off' thing was infectious; she had no idea word would spread around SD-6 as fast as a high-school rumor.  
  
"I just…I could use the time off. My friends keep wondering why I'm so attached to my job, you know? I mean, I'm sure there are times when Diane wonders why you're never home."  
  
He looked at her, then, searching her face. "You're allowed to have a life outside of all this, Sydney. No one is trying to stop you from it."  
  
She smiled at him, a weary peace offering. "I know." There were times when lying to him about what she really did hurt almost as much as lying to Francie or Will. "I just need a little time to myself." After a moment she turned back to the window. Looking out, she was met with wispy threads of white. She was surrounded by clouds, but they provided her with no distraction from the whorl of thoughts precipitating in her mind.  
  
Sydney allowed herself to succumb to the mental images pressing for her attention. Back in the warehouse, telling Vaughn she wanted out. That she needed something in her life to be normal. She doesn't think she's ever been more truthful with anyone. And the ease that he shot her down…not that it was intentional on his part; she realizes now the utter futility in getting out for good anytime soon but god, the elation coursing through her in the few moments she actually, seriously considered that it might work…she forced herself to shake off the interlude. There was no point in pining for something that would never see the light of day.  
  
She felt only trepidation towards their next meeting. Sydney knew she had to come up with something, some way, to address the chasm she had caused between them. She had walked into that diner unprepared and it was pretty obvious how much of a failure that had become. But the more she considered it, the more she realized she had no idea how to rectify a damn thing. There was no taking back the invitation to the hockey game; there was no erasing her tirade at the diner. She wanted to go back to the friendly camaraderie they had shared before, but was dreading the moment she would have to open her mouth, in fear she would only make things worse.  
  
"The pilot has begun our descent, and has lit the 'fasten seatbelt' indicator. Please place your trays and chairs in their upright and locked position."  
  
Sydney glanced down at her tray, with the forgotten cup of water still resting there, untouched. The ice had long since melted. Water molecules, once arranged in a perfectly organized crystal lattice, had succumb to simple laws of thermodynamics and now lay in a liquid sea of disarray. There was no avoiding entropy; the ice naturally segued into a more chaotic state without so much as a push. She could relate. Sydney was fearful the order she worked so hard for in her life was already on a downward entropic swirl. Feeling such confusion now, she was afraid of becoming unrecognizable to herself if her life continued to unravel. And that was her real fear - she could live lying to her friends, she could live with a rift between her and Vaughn, but she could never live hating herself.  
  
*****  
  
Full Circle: Crystal Lattice  
  
elabyrinthine@yahoo.com 


	4. Fog

Title: Full Circle: Fog, a.k.a. Fruit Stand Love  
  
Author: labyrinthine  
  
E-mail: [1]elabyrinthine@yahoo.com  
  
Summary: You must travel full circle to find the truth...Sydney confronts Vaughn over the futility of leaving SD-6.  
  
Notes: Fruit Stand Love!!! Well, sort of. Thank you, gophish, for letting me steal this wild idea. And a double thanks to hil for TWO betas this roll around, this piece works because of your killer metaphors.  
  
"With lips unbrightened, wreathless brow, I stroll,  
  
And would you learn the spells that drowse my soul?  
  
Work without hope draws nectar in a sieve,  
  
And Hope without an object cannot live."  
  
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge  
  
*****  
  
Sydney eased out of her car and stretched languidly. She made a point to be early this time, and took the opportunity to really look around for once before he showed up. The farmer's market fruit stand, located off an unkept county road on the edge of an empty field, offered little to keep her entertained. The weather was also turning - visibility was practically nil - and coupled with the lone occupant at the stand, there wouldn't be a problem of the two of them being seen together. It was a hassle to drive to but she was relieved this is where they were meeting. She didn't want to be pent up behind glass, the illusion of freedom. The fog was bad enough, enclosing her in a narrow bubble of clarity.  
  
She heard his car pull up in the makeshift parking lot, but kept her attention focused on the paltry spread of produce presented before her. After a moment he entered her field of vision and watched as he halfheartedly picked up a tomato. He appraised its lackluster quality, frowned, and placed it back. It was no wonder, she thought idly; it was out of season for tomatoes. Maybe they were out of season too: the absolute ripe eagerness she brought to their first meetings together had taken its toll, and the novelty of taking down SD-6 had worn into something huge and daunting, a neverending task. She wondered if she was overripe, past her expiration date.  
  
"How was the trip?"  
  
"Unremarkable." Monotone. She felt as flat as her voice.  
  
"Notice anything-"  
  
"No."  
  
She walked away from the stand, to give herself some space. The encroaching fog captivated her full attention, obscuring every object in its path. Perhaps if she walked a little further, she too would be cloaked and hidden from view.  
  
"Sydney, if this is about what happened at the diner-"  
  
"This isn't about the diner."  
  
"Because I know I might have upset you-"  
  
"You didn't upset me."  
  
She felt his hands on her shoulders, suddenly, and was forcibly half-turned to meet him eye to eye. "Damnit Sydney, will you let me finish."  
  
Silence. Fine. She was too exhausted to think up a line of defense anyway.  
  
"Look. I shouldn't have let you leave the way you did. You just caught me by surprise. I was...worried, for you. I still am. But I've thought about it, and I think you may be right. Time off would do you good." She shifted slightly away from him, but he picked up, almost eagerly. "You should enjoy it. If Sloane's given you time off..."  
  
It was easier just to tune him out completely. The emotion he was drawing from hit her like a slap in the face compared to the complete lack of inflection she was able to muster for her speech. The fog was a safer choice, she decided, but after a few moments realized she could never hide in it like she had first considered. It was transparent, rolling in for a few hours before rolling out, leaving no trace of ever passing through. What was the point of hiding when you would only return?  
  
"...Sydney."  
  
She turned, mute. There were no words.  
  
"What are you not telling me here?"  
  
She shook her head, inperceptively. Why was she even here? At a deserted out of season fruit stand, in the winter, surrounded by fog. Standing with a man she barely knew, really, supposedly discussing a mission where she was hardly a participant. Before, it might have surprised her to realize how not out of the ordinary this situation had become.  
  
"Sydney." He was confused now, she could tell, and perhaps a little anxious as well. "I would think you would be happy, you know. Since you won't need to deal with this, even look at Sloane's face, for nearly a month."  
  
"It's a tease." Under her voice, barely audible.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
She took a breath. "The time off. The vacation, not looking at Sloane's face, as you so aptly put it. It's just a tease." After a pause of silence on his part she continued. "I honestly only asked for the break because my friends were getting suspicious of the bank cover. And now I've got it, all this time off, and it's just a tease."  
  
"What, you don't think Sloane was serious about-"  
  
"-the time off? He's serious. I really don't think I'll hear a peep from him for three weeks."  
  
"Then I don't understand."  
  
He wouldn't, she thought. After a moment of steeling herself, she lifted her eyes to his face; the sincere confusion etched prominently over his visage. "I don't want this. Any of this, not the double agent crap, not the constant lying to my friends, the total deception." His face became animated, expectant, ready to speak, and she cut him off. "Let me finish. I know I've already been through this with you, and I know this is something I'll never be able to walk away from."  
  
"All the more reason for you to take this kind of opportunity-"  
  
"And do what? Study for finals like a good little grad student, then take some token vacation with Francie to prove I'm still around some of the time? This isn't a vacation; it's just acting from a different script."  
  
"You can't believe that."  
  
She laughed, then, something harsh and bitter being freed. "It's a tease, just like I said. I'll never be rid of this. Why pretend to be normal for three weeks and put SD-6 and all that I do out of my mind, when in no way will I ever be free from it? This vacation, time off, whatever you call it, all it's doing is showing me what I'll never be able to have."  
  
He shook his head. "You don't know that for sure."  
  
She would have rolled her eyes, if she were so inclined. "Give it up, Vaughn. You showed me the contact map for SD-6 yourself. There's no way we'll ever bring them down in my lifetime. All the hacker viruses and double switches in the world won't make it happen - they're just too well established."  
  
A pause. "You're giving up."  
  
"I didn't say that. Besides, I can't, remember? All I'm doing is stating the obvious: I could work my whole life trying to bring down SD-6 and never see it realized. Hell, I'll have to work my entire life doing just that, because I'm already in too deep to ever get out. And the longer I'm there, the more tangled I'll become in the grand scheme of things. This whole break from the job? It's exactly what I'll never have for real."  
  
She waited for a response, and when there wasn't one, stepped slightly away to gain some vantage. "Look, Vaughn, I don't want to sound accusatory or anything, alright? I just...I just wish I didn't have such nosy friends. It would be so much easier for me to not take the time off and just do the job; that way I wouldn't have the time to think about the situation I'm in like I've already started doing. And I do apologize for laying it on you, but you're the only person-"  
  
"Do you remember the last time you said that to me?" He broke through her tirade with a suddenness that surprised her.  
  
Sydney turned to face him, but his gaze was fixed on some distant point in the field. "On the pier," he continued, "after your father stood you up."  
  
"Yes..." She couldn't see why he would bring this up again.  
  
"And do you remember what I told you then? That this job is a horrible, often unforgiving existence. That you will see the worst in people, and sometimes only focus on the worst of yourself. I think you're doing that now, and that maybe the time off will give you a clearer perspective-"  
  
"Vaughn." She couldn't..."Thank you for trying to help. Really. And maybe you're right, time alone will give me perspective. Just not the kind you're thinking of." She tried to collect her thoughts, wanting to say it right. "It's just hit me all at once, realizing all the things I'll never have because of what I'm doing. Before, in the warehouse, I told you I wanted something in my life to be real. And now I know I'll never have that chance. This-" she half spun around, gesturing at their deserted surroundings, "-this is my life. This is what I've got to work with, and I just...need to accept the situation and make the most of it. I haven't given up. I've just opened my eyes." It was all terribly matter-of-fact, she noticed, spoken with a finality that unnerved her.  
  
And there was nothing he could say in response. Sydney could tell he was distressed, but the weight of her declaration was too heavy to lift with simple assurances or misled convictions. Together they stood on the edge of the field, and watched the fog roll out.  
  
*****  
  
Full Circle: Fog  
  
elabyrinthine@yahoo.com  
  
A note about this series: the angst WILL start to ease up eventually - all the little installments do make a complete circle and it just so happens that Syd is currently in the sad and angsty part of the whole. Are you looking at this with a blank stare? Stay tuned for more parts to understand~  
  
References  
  
1. mailto:elabyrinthine@yahoo.com 


	5. Indigo

Title: Full Circle: Indigo  
  
Author: labyrinthine  
  
E-mail: [1]elabyrinthine@yahoo.com  
  
Summary: You must travel full circle to find the truth...Sydney crashes with Will in hopes to find some normalcy.  
  
Author's notes: Fifth in the Full Circle series...big thanks to Hil as usual, this time for telling me to CUT Vaughn scenes, who would ever have seen THAT coming? And to the, like, 5 people actually reading this, sorry for the delay in updates - blame it on biochem rearing its ugly eukaryotic head.  
  
"...just to hold and to finally have her,  
  
take me to sunrise from indigo."  
  
-Sister Hazel  
  
*****  
  
"Will Tippin."  
  
"Do you always answer your phone like that?"  
  
"Syd, hey...no, I don't always answer the phone...well, sometimes I do but...what's up?"  
  
"Nothing much. Francie's worn me out with wedding stuff - if I so much as glance at another centerpiece I think I might lose it for good."  
  
"But isn't that a girl thing? Like you're genetically programmed to have the 'wedding planner' gene or something?"  
  
"Do you even know what a gene is, Will?"  
  
"Good point."  
  
"Anyway, I was wondering if you were free later on? We haven't had movie night in ages, and I'm in desperate need of overbuttered popcorn and a bad movie."  
  
"You think I have bad taste in movies, is that it? I can't take that kind of criticism from you Syd, it kills me."  
  
"You know I love you. You've got a wonderfully endearing quality to find movies that...that are so bad they're good."  
  
"You don't know how much I live for those little crumbs of kindness from you."  
  
"Don't you know it. 8pm sound good?"  
  
"Great - see you."  
  
*****  
  
Will had the singular ability to put her in a state of relaxation that so often eluded her. The things they talked about, the completely normal activities they shared, appeared to her the antithesis of every restriction that defined her life. It was something she was incredibly grateful for, having a friend who so nearly reflected her own desire for a normal life.  
  
"More popcorn?" Garbled Will-speak, diction warring with a mouthful of food.  
  
"Do you have any idea how much butter is clogging my arteries at this very moment?"  
  
"No, no, you're looking at it the wrong way. It's all about the saturated fatty acids - there are some fatty acids that are needed essential nutrients that you have to eat, your body can't produce them. So just think, you're actually doing your body a FAVOR by, like, eating more nice, dripping, buttered popcorn."  
  
She turned to face Will, incredulous. "Where the hell did you get that from?"  
  
"Amy. She justifies everything she eats with that."  
  
"Yeah, well, next time you spend some quality time with your sister be sure to tell her she's got it backwards. Butter's the bad one; your body needs unsaturated, not saturated."  
  
Will stared at her. "No shit? Amy's gonna kill me when she learns the ugly truth." He thought for a moment. " How the hell do you know that anyway?"  
  
"A girl's gotta keep on top of that kind of stuff. So, thanks, but I think I've sufficiently OD'ed on it." She pushed the popcorn back to Will.  
  
"Suit yourself." He took the opportunity to shovel what remained in the bowl into his mouth in one fell swoop. She had given up long ago trying to determine how he fit so much into his mouth.  
  
Sydney had missed this - this casual, easy ambiance that so often eluded her. Things were just so uncomplicated with Will - they had talked all night about the most inconsequential of topics, it was a welcome departure from what her life had become the past few months. It was such a relief not having to force her brain in overtime, trying to carry on a conversation in overtones while constantly looking over her shoulder. Like with Vaughn, she thought - you couldn't cut the tension between them with a knife. She had barely been able to talk to him, barely capable of meeting his eyes, back at the fruit stand over a week ago. If only it were easier to open up to him; talking with Will was nothing, she just couldn't bring up half the topics she desperately needed to discuss.  
  
"So when do you go back to the work grind?"  
  
"I've got another week."  
  
"That's all? This is, like, your one vacation and you haven't even done anything."  
  
I've done plenty, she thought to herself. I've sat in my room and come to terms with never having someone in my life I can be completely truthful with. When Francie decided I wasn't having fun, I did the whole best friend song-and-dance and wondered why I was incapable of enjoying myself. I've spent entire afternoons by the phone half-waiting, half-wanting a call from Joey's Pizza that I knew wouldn't take place. And now I'm here with you, using your uncomplicated friendship as an escape from my life for a few hours. "Maybe I didn't want an action-packed vacation. Maybe I just wanted some time to relax."  
  
Will looked dubious; she didn't blame him. She had always taken trips before - skiing, hiking, hitting the beach; she could never bear to be kept up at home during a spring break. But she really had no desire to go anywhere these days. She had traveled the globe the past few months - traveling had lost its appeal. But Will couldn't know that, of course. Just something else to throw in her bag of secrets.  
  
"The bank hasn't called?"  
  
"Not once." Sloane had kept his promise. She knew he only kept promises that would lead to his advantage in the long run; she felt nothing but trepidation when trying to consider why he would honor her wishes on this.  
  
"You're lucky. You take these trips, but it's not like your work comes home with you. I can't get away from what I'm doing at all, it's horrible."  
  
She had barely heard him past her reply about hearing from the 'bank'. As strenuous as the job was, a part of her missed the clandestine calls and shadowy meetings, and Vaughn..."Wait...what are you writing about?"  
  
Will stilled. He scanned the room, shut off the long-forgotten movie and sat to face her. "You can't tell anyone."  
  
God, he looked so serious, he never looked serious. "Sure, I won't tell anyone. What, you're doing an expose?"  
  
"Syd, I'm not kidding around. These people..."  
  
What was going on - this was so unlike him. "I won't say a word. These people what?"  
  
He blinked, then leaned back. "What the hell am I dong? Look, you know what, just forget it, it's nothing-"  
  
"Will." He was really freaked out. "You can tell me anything, you know that."  
  
She could pinpoint the moment he swayed from concerned friend to earnest reporter. "Ok, it's the weirdest thing. Get this: there's this guy, he's in prison for like no reason - his wife had committed suicide, and now he's in jail, and totally lost it when I talked to him. And then his daughter came and found me and asked for my help - MY help, can you believe it..." He was rambling, tripping over his words, and she could barely keep up, "...found this autopsy report. Like, someone is trying to make me do things - I keep getting these weird phone calls that, I think, are from this SD-6 thing, but I can't find anything-"  
  
Sydney's head snapped up; she must have heard that wrong. "What thing? Slow down, Will. The thing with the phone calls?"  
  
"The SD-6 thing? You haven't heard of them, have you? The guy in jail totally cut me off when I brought it up - I mean, I don't know if they're calling me or leaving me stuff or whatever, but I have no idea where they fit in with all this."  
  
Sydney couldn't move. She couldn't twitch a muscle or move position if her life depended on it. And grimly, she thought, it probably did. Her brain had shut down as well; she had lost all ability to connect together how exactly Will had come across this name, or if there were agents truly in contact with him, or if he might have knowledge of her association with the group. She just sat, incredulous, motionless.  
  
"...to do more research in the morning. Syd? Sydney, you alright?"  
  
Act normal, she thought numbly. Don't try to process this, or analyze it, or ask questions. Don't raise his suspicion. Just get the hell out of there, play dumb and sort out how this could have happened later, when your head stops feeling like a cotton ball. Get up off the couch and leave, now.  
  
She rose, running on impulse alone. "That is weird, haven't heard of it. Look, my stomach's starting to jump around, I think I ate too much. Plus it's late - I think I'm going to head back."  
  
"You sure you're ok? You can stay here if you don't want to drive..."  
  
Stop being so damn considerate, she wanted to shout. "Thanks, but I'll be fine. Um...good luck with your piece, ok? I'll call you."  
  
Will followed her to the front door and opened it for her, letting in cool night air to pierce through the suddenly overheated house. He looked like he had something on the tip of his tongue, but Sydney was actually fearful of what might come out next. "Night."  
  
"Drive safe."  
  
Automatic pilot, she thought. She started her car and let her memory lead her home. Sydney couldn't think, wouldn't let herself contemplate the full repercussions of Will knowing even the slightest bit about SD-6 without a clear head and Vaughn by her side. All she could think of was how the quiet atmosphere she had enjoyed scant minutes ago had solidified into a snare of tension right under her nose. She had gone to Will to escape from her life with SD-6, to hide under a guise of normalcy for a few precious hours. And now she didn't even have that. Giving in to her storm of insecurities, relenting control of her life once again, she picked up her cell and dialed.  
  
"Hello?" A groggy Vaughn on the other end - had she woken him up? It didn't even matter, she thought; she was disturbing whatever else he would have been doing just by calling. She detested the intrusion she considered herself to be in his life, his off-duty self. Sydney suddenly regretted picked up the phone; it's not as if Will was going to break into headquarters tonight, this could have waited till daylight tomorrow..."Who is this?"  
  
"I need to speak with you." God, did her voice sound as timid on the other end as it did to her ears? She was shutting down, just forcing out the words was work enough.  
  
"Sydney?" His voice resonated through the cell. So loud now; her plea must have jostled him out of any sleep-induced stupor. "Why are you calling me here? Is something wrong?"  
  
"I...something's come up. We need to talk. The warehouse? I can be there in 20."  
  
"Sydney, you're scaring me. Are you hurt? Do you need help?" His words a chiaroscuro, surrounding her, enshrouding. A layer of protection - perhaps she could draw from his energy to bolster her own resolve.  
  
"I'll see you at the warehouse." Her voice barely a whisper at this point, she ended the call with a push of a button. Twenty minutes to pull herself together, she thought; a deadline had never seemed so desperate.  
  
*****  
  
[2]elabyrinthine@yahoo.com  
  
Full Circle: Indigo  
  
References  
  
1. mailto:elabyrinthine@yahoo.com  
2. mailto:elabyrinthine@yahoo.com 


	6. Parabola

Title: Full Circle: Parabola  
  
Author: labyrinthine  
  
E-mail: elabyrinthine@yahoo.com  
  
Summary: You must travel full circle to find the truth - Sydney considers dips in the road.  
  
Author's Notes: ok. I realize this is long overdue, and that it is short, and probably not what anyone was expecting/hoping/whatever. I do feel bad that it's been nearly 6 months since this was updated - I'm posting this as a resolution of sorts, to offer a modicum of closure while leaving it open for later continuation in the future. Major, MAJOR thanks to all those who have written asking for more, especially Laura, Harriet, Beth, princess ilsa and Abs - I certainly wouldn't have even considered picking it up again after such a delay without your encouragement. And thanks to Hil for the most wonderfully original possible ending to all this insanity. g  
  
"It's mine, it's pure and, as decent as I can make myself  
  
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive." -Flaw  
  
*****  
  
The needle was hovering at E, lifting slightly on inclines as the vestiges of gasoline in the tank marked their presence. She had been driving for what felt like hours, nameless roads in the black of night, interstates and highways splitting off to county roads and unlit backstreets. The roads didn't matter; she hadn't been paying attention to where she was headed, and if pressed for a location she would have to concede she was hopelessly lost. It didn't bother her in the least. Wherever she was now, it was miles and miles away from the warehouse and that was all that mattered.  
  
She didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to recall the panic of driving to the warehouse and seeing Vaughn's haphazardly parked sedan outside the entrance, didn't want to relive the absolute terror she felt at the very thought of walking in to meet him. She had sat with the engine running, staring at his car and the door and realized her hand wasn't receiving signals from her brain to throw the car in park and turn off the ignition. And then her instincts had just taken over, shifting to reverse, driving back the way she came, driving as fast and as far as she could.  
  
She was sure Vaughn was freaking out in the warehouse, his distinctive anxiety racing under his company mask. She should call him, assure him that everything was fine, apologize for dragging him out of bed in the middle of night and she would take care of things, don't worry, go back home. He wouldn't buy it, of course, but it would probably be a small reassurance. Sydney glanced away from the road ahead of her to the powered-down cell resting on the passenger seat, knowing that as much as she should reach out there was no way it was going to happen at the moment. She had managed to kill every conversation they'd had in recent weeks; she had no idea how things had become so strained between them but until she did, the cell stayed off.  
  
The car shook slightly as Sydney pulled it on the gravel shoulder of the deserted road and killed the ignition. With the headlights off the moon- cast shadows were all that illuminated her view. She preferred this soft light over the harsh fluorescence of high-beams, though she could never find her way home with just moonlight.  
  
Perspective.  
  
She had to check daily to make sure who she was. After countless missions with wigs and disguises she relied on double-takes in mirrors because the details of her exterior were constantly shifting. Normal people didn't have to remind themselves of who they were by looking at their reflection, they just knew. She wished she had that simplicity.  
  
But her wishes didn't matter to them, did they. She never wished for this life, never dreamed when she was growing up that she would wind up here. Her choices were never choices at all, really; there was precious little free will in this profession. For years she had operated under the assumption that she was doing "the right thing", and months after learning how pervasive the lies that she had been told ran, it was difficult to muster up enough feeling at all to carry them out, too draining to lie.  
  
How stupid was she, to assume Will would drop his inquiries. If she had the energy she would physically kick herself. With the distance now, Sydney was sure something could be arranged, something foolproof and airtight with dead ends plausible enough to defer Will's suspicious. There were whole departments in the CIA with just that job - covering up the truth to suit other people's needs. Now that the initial shock had worn off, her heartbeat returning to resting levels, she could see this. There had been no reason to call Vaughn about it. That he had been the one she turned to without a moment's thought to fix the problem sat uneasily with her conscious; she thought it made her feel dependent. She had her own problems, things out of her control but they were still hers to deal with, and that was why she was sitting, shivering in a chilly car in the middle of nowhere, running from her problems under the guise of perspective.  
  
The vacation had been a mistake. It was never supposed to be a vacation; the only reason she took it was to protect her cover, which probably could have been preserved any number of ways aside from just taking time off the job. She remembered standing in the fog, able to make out Vaughn's figure behind a backdrop of mist that obscured everything else surrounding them. And now she was enshrouded again, in the cocoon of night that obscured even the most visible objects in front of her.  
  
It really was a taunt, seeing a glimpse of the life she could have had, if only. She was no longer naïve enough to really believe just turning down the business card and not calling the agents who recruited her back in college would have protected her from this life; there was only the illusion of free will, in the end. Regardless, it was too late now. This was the life she had to work with, and deluding herself with notions of happy endings would only make things worse. Make the best of the situation.  
  
Sydney engineered a u-turn on the deserted road and started to retrace her path in the darkness. The gas gauge lifted, buoyed by the tilt of the road, now registering almost a quarter tank. Things had a way of doing that, sometimes. A little parabola, a dip in the road that righted itself on the return up. And maybe she had enough to get herself home after all.  
  
*****  
  
Full Circle: Parabola  
  
elabyrinthine@yahoo.com  
  
-will there be more? Probably, since it seems I can't seem to ever forget about this piece. Again - apologies, for those who care, about the crazy delay in updates, and who knows, there might just be more in the future after all.thanks again for reading, everyone. 


End file.
